"I've used hammers made out of wood. I have played games with pieces and rules. I've undeciphered tricks at the bar, but now you're gone."
Halloween weekend has fallen upon New York with less fervor than I remember. A friend turned 25 today and I realized I wasn't far away. Scary thought to be honest. In a month and a half, I would've lived a quarter of a century.
Get serious. Pay attention. "Scary thought" is right. It is FUCKIN' frightening. Not that I'm growing older and its a small step toward the end... or "one day i'll die" - no. I'm not afraid of any of that bullshit. I'm talking about whats already past. Its done. Finished. You can't change that. I'll never be 11 again. I'll never be 21 again. EVER. (Religious zealots fuck off right now).
I will never do SO many things "for the first time" ever again. Don't tell me the obvious bullshit - "oh! but Morrie - there's so much to look forward to" - yea yea... I know. I'm not talking about the future. Its becoming clearer very quickly how important it is to justify having lived the way you lived. Not because its saddening, or depressing but because its fucking scary!
My checklist for 25:
1. Did I have an emotive and memory intensive childhood? Check.
2. Make terrific friends along the way? Check.
3. Drink and smoke at a reasonable age? Check.
4. Lost virginity at a reasonable age? Check. (though I think its growing back)
5. Have a job I'm happy with and proud of? Check.
Ok. Good... (sigh).
Back to work.
October 27, 2006
October 23, 2006
Ashes...
Memories are titled but disorganized.
In desperation I have tried to glide -
but my wings have withered and died
like those green leaves which have dried
from winter winds into pale brittle paper
I have indulged myself in much degeneration -
and decadence.
No more than a simple drop of blood as ink
can be used to write my tales of bliss.
And like a wretched mongrel -
scabbed, wounded and dirty
under today's black print
grounded, I await tomorrow's sorrowful morn
as distinct apparitions pass by
and puffs of stale tobacco smoke -
breach my nostrils and smother my existence.
Even dreams have become weary
and I've walked the path of ruin and stand
At the very hem of re-birth.
But only for a few fleeting moments . . .
*Come to send
Not condescend
Transcendental consequence
Is to transcend, where we are
Who are we?
Who we are
Trampled moss on your souls
Changes all, you're a part
Seen it all, not at all
Can't defend, fuck the man
Take me for a ride, before we leave
Circumstance
Clappin' hands
Guidin' winds
Happenstance
Off the track, in the mud
That's the moss in the aforementioned verse
Just a little time, before we leave
Stop light plays its part
So I would say you've got a heart
What's your part?
Who you are
You are who, who you are*
*cf: Pearl Jam - Who You Are
Interested to see if anyone follows the poem and the referenced song below it - thoughts?
In desperation I have tried to glide -
but my wings have withered and died
like those green leaves which have dried
from winter winds into pale brittle paper
I have indulged myself in much degeneration -
and decadence.
No more than a simple drop of blood as ink
can be used to write my tales of bliss.
And like a wretched mongrel -
scabbed, wounded and dirty
under today's black print
grounded, I await tomorrow's sorrowful morn
as distinct apparitions pass by
and puffs of stale tobacco smoke -
breach my nostrils and smother my existence.
Even dreams have become weary
and I've walked the path of ruin and stand
At the very hem of re-birth.
But only for a few fleeting moments . . .
- Aman
______________*Come to send
Not condescend
Transcendental consequence
Is to transcend, where we are
Who are we?
Who we are
Trampled moss on your souls
Changes all, you're a part
Seen it all, not at all
Can't defend, fuck the man
Take me for a ride, before we leave
Circumstance
Clappin' hands
Guidin' winds
Happenstance
Off the track, in the mud
That's the moss in the aforementioned verse
Just a little time, before we leave
Stop light plays its part
So I would say you've got a heart
What's your part?
Who you are
You are who, who you are*
*cf: Pearl Jam - Who You Are
Interested to see if anyone follows the poem and the referenced song below it - thoughts?
October 12, 2006
The New Me...
PIC: The New Me
Almost two weeks into my new job and sparkling new title, its finally set in. Fear that is. Having realized that upto the moment of action, all the pre-cum glory and praise is worthless if I'm unable to perform. I'm the young blood in the team, I'm supposed to become the "go-to" guy. Yes - sounded amazing till I am in it... now. Expectations are high, learning curve is steep and I've just accomplished defining a challenge. Isn't that what it is in the end? - a challenge?
The work is interesting, I'm getting to do things I'd never imagined I'd be granted an opportunity to do - and its interesting (thank god!). But I can also already see that its temporary. I know that the end is the last thing I should look to when starting something new but darn it - it can't be good if I can already envision this being a 2-3 (maybe 4) year stint. But enough about the job.
I'm back in New York - and how phenomenally grand it is to be here again. As the winter is setting in and I'm having to pause constantly while typing to wipe my streaming nose, I can't help but think of this city and how it never ceases to amaze me. I'm back into things I hadn't been in for a while.
The Subway
I ride the train to work every morning and how I've missed it! There's the young Burberry woman riding from Lex to 5th on the E train. She never fails to catch herself in the windows when the train is not parked at a station off-loading and boarding. There's the young kid who will never learn to hold the bloody bar and is always jolted back 4 feet, stumbling into his angry mother's arms. The crackling P.A. system - who knows what the driver just said- he could've said Timbuktu for all we know. I'm on a train destined for... Queens? what the hell!? shit.. i got on the wrong train... and now the 30 minute exercise to get out of Queens (sigh).
(don't act like its never happened to you).
Walking
Thats right! I'm walking again, well - from home to the train station and then to work. It's best described as painful. Here's why: You walk briskly in New York, through the cold and descend finally into the subway station. New York subways are notorious for their hell-like sweltering warmth, deep beneath the surface. So when you're in your suit and your shirt inside is drenched with every last drop of water that was once in you, here comes your train - Air Conditioning! Yes! You're on the train and its cooler - slightly. It takes time for the relief to hit and then it comes again - your stop. You exit into another oven, curse upwards and walk on, up the stairs and back out into... you guessed it... the cold again. Your body just went round-trip from Antartica to the Equator and back again and all you ended up with is sweat patches and a cold the next morning. *sniffle*
Life
Its been a while since I blogged, mostly because of the several projects I've taken up. The new job of course, is numero uno, but there's also my recent visit to Strands where I purchased (for $32.00) a hardbound old edition of Les Miserables. And it sits now, accompanie d with a Dictionary waiting for my return every evening. Painful bloody project. Then there's the shopping I've had to do for the new work environment - which by the way is NOTHING like my past experience. Its not that I didn't expect it, I just noticed it... err... severely. I've never seen my boss get yelled at till my first week in this new job - nobody cares - wipe your tears you fucking pussy and put your head to the grind stone. Awh... you got married? Thats nice.. get to work! Awh... you got shot in the arm? Fuck you - type with the other one!
And amidst all this there is the need to build a new social circle. With Tiru moving to Rhode Island, and Sukhi being the only one left, I have to build something again. Its not easy when you're not a Freshman in college where everybody is out looking for a bud. Thats a funny statement because I spent a considerable amount of my freshman year "looking" for bud and a considerable amount of my senior year "selling" it... hahaha... ok ok - i digress.
There is also the unfortunate realizeation that this new job will keep me in New York longer than I wanted... but deep down I knew this was going to happen. I will be here for at least another 2 years. As my folks are seriously considering moving back to India next year - this means I might have to dilute my investment in the apartment and look for a place for myself...
I'm here in New York, moving up the monetary ladder getting the first few glimpses of the catch phrase "...in new york, there's always someone who makes more, fucks more and will live longer than you".
I just bought a Hugo Boss suit. I'm not trying to brag but I have to tell you, to be able to walk into the store... look around, try a Boss suit, like it and buy it without thinking three times was a great feeling. Its mine - I did that. I paid for it with my first check. I don't give a shit about "Boss" ...mostly because it doesn't give a shit about me - but I feel like I have accomplished something. (Ready? - here it comes).
Screw the suits, the watches, the money, the apartments... those aren't accomplishments. But I've accomplished something... (?)
And that inspires me. Look beyond the superficial statement above. It inspires me that I can feel like I have already accomplished something... because god! there is so much more to do and so much more to fucking life... and with the highest level of sincerety, I look forward to blissfully exploring what that "more" is... and its inspiring and its something to look forward to...
- cuz in the end I'm just a fuckin' kid who doesn't know shit.
(I can see my Father nodding in agreement from miles away).
PIC: The REAL Me...
Almost two weeks into my new job and sparkling new title, its finally set in. Fear that is. Having realized that upto the moment of action, all the pre-cum glory and praise is worthless if I'm unable to perform. I'm the young blood in the team, I'm supposed to become the "go-to" guy. Yes - sounded amazing till I am in it... now. Expectations are high, learning curve is steep and I've just accomplished defining a challenge. Isn't that what it is in the end? - a challenge?
The work is interesting, I'm getting to do things I'd never imagined I'd be granted an opportunity to do - and its interesting (thank god!). But I can also already see that its temporary. I know that the end is the last thing I should look to when starting something new but darn it - it can't be good if I can already envision this being a 2-3 (maybe 4) year stint. But enough about the job.
I'm back in New York - and how phenomenally grand it is to be here again. As the winter is setting in and I'm having to pause constantly while typing to wipe my streaming nose, I can't help but think of this city and how it never ceases to amaze me. I'm back into things I hadn't been in for a while.
The Subway
I ride the train to work every morning and how I've missed it! There's the young Burberry woman riding from Lex to 5th on the E train. She never fails to catch herself in the windows when the train is not parked at a station off-loading and boarding. There's the young kid who will never learn to hold the bloody bar and is always jolted back 4 feet, stumbling into his angry mother's arms. The crackling P.A. system - who knows what the driver just said- he could've said Timbuktu for all we know. I'm on a train destined for... Queens? what the hell!? shit.. i got on the wrong train... and now the 30 minute exercise to get out of Queens (sigh).
(don't act like its never happened to you).
Walking
Thats right! I'm walking again, well - from home to the train station and then to work. It's best described as painful. Here's why: You walk briskly in New York, through the cold and descend finally into the subway station. New York subways are notorious for their hell-like sweltering warmth, deep beneath the surface. So when you're in your suit and your shirt inside is drenched with every last drop of water that was once in you, here comes your train - Air Conditioning! Yes! You're on the train and its cooler - slightly. It takes time for the relief to hit and then it comes again - your stop. You exit into another oven, curse upwards and walk on, up the stairs and back out into... you guessed it... the cold again. Your body just went round-trip from Antartica to the Equator and back again and all you ended up with is sweat patches and a cold the next morning. *sniffle*
Life
Its been a while since I blogged, mostly because of the several projects I've taken up. The new job of course, is numero uno, but there's also my recent visit to Strands where I purchased (for $32.00) a hardbound old edition of Les Miserables. And it sits now, accompanie d with a Dictionary waiting for my return every evening. Painful bloody project. Then there's the shopping I've had to do for the new work environment - which by the way is NOTHING like my past experience. Its not that I didn't expect it, I just noticed it... err... severely. I've never seen my boss get yelled at till my first week in this new job - nobody cares - wipe your tears you fucking pussy and put your head to the grind stone. Awh... you got married? Thats nice.. get to work! Awh... you got shot in the arm? Fuck you - type with the other one!
And amidst all this there is the need to build a new social circle. With Tiru moving to Rhode Island, and Sukhi being the only one left, I have to build something again. Its not easy when you're not a Freshman in college where everybody is out looking for a bud. Thats a funny statement because I spent a considerable amount of my freshman year "looking" for bud and a considerable amount of my senior year "selling" it... hahaha... ok ok - i digress.
There is also the unfortunate realizeation that this new job will keep me in New York longer than I wanted... but deep down I knew this was going to happen. I will be here for at least another 2 years. As my folks are seriously considering moving back to India next year - this means I might have to dilute my investment in the apartment and look for a place for myself...
I'm here in New York, moving up the monetary ladder getting the first few glimpses of the catch phrase "...in new york, there's always someone who makes more, fucks more and will live longer than you".
I just bought a Hugo Boss suit. I'm not trying to brag but I have to tell you, to be able to walk into the store... look around, try a Boss suit, like it and buy it without thinking three times was a great feeling. Its mine - I did that. I paid for it with my first check. I don't give a shit about "Boss" ...mostly because it doesn't give a shit about me - but I feel like I have accomplished something. (Ready? - here it comes).
Screw the suits, the watches, the money, the apartments... those aren't accomplishments. But I've accomplished something... (?)
And that inspires me. Look beyond the superficial statement above. It inspires me that I can feel like I have already accomplished something... because god! there is so much more to do and so much more to fucking life... and with the highest level of sincerety, I look forward to blissfully exploring what that "more" is... and its inspiring and its something to look forward to...
- cuz in the end I'm just a fuckin' kid who doesn't know shit.
(I can see my Father nodding in agreement from miles away).
PIC: The REAL Me...
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