Dilettante

So many blogs have gone by and I am surprised at myself for not having mentioned Thomas Mann. He is the author that caught me off-guard.

Now, several people have favorite authors and/or books and some have favorite moments or sections of books that they are fond of. I only really started reading in college (how very unfortunate for me, yes.) - but Mann is my favorite author.

(Note: I'm not counting The Hardy Boys, Tintin and Asterix as real "reading" as a child.)

After several years of reading numerous books, Thomas Mann surprised me. 'Death in Venice' was the first piece of literature of Mann's that I read and I literally (pun not intended) hung from every one of his words. His diction, sentence structure and grammatical prowess surpassed all others.

"And by beauty we mean simplicity, largeness, and renewed severity of discipline we mean a return to detachment and to form. But detachment, Phaedrus, and preoccupation with form lead to intoxication and desire, they may lead the noblest among us to frightful emotional excesses, which his own stern cult of the beautiful would make him the first to condemn."

But above all - it was the distinction between intellect and art that he perpetuated and studied. His absolutely fascinating characters have limitless depth and draw an unimagineably realistic parallel to life. The best part is, he didn't need a 500 paged novel to achieve this. He did it with his short stories as well.

I didn't truly appreciate the "short story" form until I read some of Hemmingway's and Mann's stories. And now, its almost as though I prefer them over a novel. "The Dilettante" was the first story I read. Coincidentally, "delettante" is my favorite English word -if there is such a thing.

"But what is destroying me is that hope has been destroyed with the destruction of all pleasure in myself. I cease to write, fling the pen from me -- full of disgust, full of disgust! I will make an end of it -- alas, that is an attitude too heroic for a dilettante. In the end I shall go on living, eating, sleeping; I shall gradually get used to the idea that I am dull, that I cut a wretched and ridiculous figure."

His work isn't meant to be an inspiration yet I am always inspired. They aren't your "Tuesday's with Morrie", it's dark and twisted fiction -but brilliant fiction. His literary genius sways me, turns me and leaves me shocked. Which is essentially how he caught me off-guard in the beginning. He surprised me by writing about the THEN not-so-cliche'd theme that - all is NOT necessarily going to end well.

[DO NOT source greek and shakespearean tradgedies in a counter-argument here. There is a difference between a tradgedy and a story of degeneration. Degeneration of the mind, physical being or a society. Unfortunately people apply the word 'tradgedy' to anything these days. If something is sad -"oh, thats tragic" - NO IT'S NOT! It's just f*kin' sad! Thats all. Same thing with the word 'epic' - "oh! titanic was a romantic epic". NO IT'S WASN'T. An epic traditionally means over 10 years. The sh*t needs to go on for over 10 years... not a few hours in the Ocean having cross-social-strata sex. People died -its sad... but its NOT A TRADGEDY EITHER!]

Anyway, I encourage my readers to read a little of what inspires me - Thomas Mann.

Indifference

I encourage all to read these words and buy/download the song.

Indifference

I will light the match this morning, so I won't be alone.
Watch as she lies silent, soon night will be gone.
Oh... I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I'm free to roam
Oh... I will make my way, through one more day...
yeahhh...

How much difference - does it make?
How much difference - does it make?

I will hold the candle, till it burns up my arm.
Oh.. I'll keep taking punches until their will grows tired.
Oh... I will stare the sundown until my eyes go blind.
Yeah... I won't change direction and I won't change my mind.

How much difference - does it make?
How much difference - does it make?

I'll swallow poison, until I grow immune.
I will scream my lungs out, till it fills this room.

How much difference - does it make?
How much difference - does it make?

- Pearl Jam

Honestly, in all my years of reading various literary works and listening to a diverse range of music - these are perhaps the most influential words I've ever heard. This is a strong claim considering what all I've seen - but its true. It is, perhaps, purely circumstancial and some may read these words and shrug their shoulder - "umm.. k" being their only reaction.

But its not just the words - its the song - the way Eddie sings it. The undertone. The background music. The importance of the words shines through in his voice. And it all culminates in a blow straight to my chest.

More importantly its the association this band and its music has for me. I remember Joytan introducing me to Pearl Jam - before I really started listening to music. 'Alive' and 'Porch' were their first songs I ever heard. 'Release' followed soon after. Honestly - a song that'll make you cry - "I'll wait up, in the dark... for you to speak to meeee" - oh man!

Post Joytan's introduction and my subsequent indulgence, I found this to be a favorite common ground for Arun and I (amongst 2 billion others). But when we started jamming to this stuff - it was almost like we entered a different world. Within those four walls - Arun masterfully trying hit the right chords on the guitar and I barely being able to measure up to Eddie's voice. This is when we laughed. It wasn't funny. No. It was just so satisfying that we laughed. What else does one do when you are fully content. Smile? yeah... we laughed. We loved it. We didn't need clever quips on ignoramus individuals (as that usually is the case) to laugh.

These are the memories that I hope I'm never stripped of. These are the benchmarks I will use to identify levels of happiness on a going-forward basis. Right from crouching in front of Joy's laptop to jamming at Arun's.

June 3rd is so far away.

...a darker thought

Sell me a flower more beautiful
Than the one beside me now
And I’ll pay you with my life.

Find me a darker thought
Than the one I hold each night
And I’ll give you my flower
For you need it more than I.

(i wrote his a while ago... a long while ago)

...ode to apocalypse

Apocalypse now - a realization very late in the day.

I've determined that the year of 2006 is an antonym to existence. Everything is the other way around - well - maybe I'm pushing it and the trite philosophical discussion that everyone is familiar with may ensue but still -

majority becomes minority -minority becomes majority (Hammas in Palestine)

-Delhi wasn't as cold as it was in 70 years - in December!
-New York wasn't as warm as it was in 35 years - in December!

Tidal waves, suicide bombings, mass destruction, unethical voting results, increasing CO2 levels, decreasing O2 levels, increasing populations, increasing births, increasing deaths - most disturbingly- increasing indifference.

All this is lovely to say and feel in a blog. I am "moved" by this. Tomorrow you and I will forget this happened and pursue our own happiness - we HOPE... NOT at the cost of someone else - but if it happens... then "such is life" will be our motto for the day. Perhaps I presume too much by bring "you" into my world. But I certainly will not shy away from the fact that I live, breathe and act based on the knowledge that for one man to succeed perhaps many will have to fail. Such is my code. Such is my burden. Such is my joy. Such gives me perspective. "Such" makes things relative. Such is life.

It is depressing to think that the phrase "such is life" is its own justification - applicable and implemented by most -whether "you" like it or not.

india as a subject?

If you happened to read the Times of India Online print recently (once you get passed its 4 billion pop-ups) I saw an interesting article.

Harvard University (yes, the very prestigious one in Boston, MA) is going to have "India" as a subject. (Right here you do the Scooby-Doo impression "huh?". Thats right.

The following is a direct excerpt from the article:

[America’s oldest institution of higher learning, Harvard University, will soon have India as a subject. And teachers will include visiting faculty members like Nobel laureate Amartya Sen, Gardiner professor of history at Harvard Sugata Bose and Harvard Business School professor Tarun Khanna. In an exclusive interview to TOI , Harvard University's outgoing president, Lawrence Summers, said: "Like people study political science, culture, public health, economics, law and medicine, students in Harvard will now study India as a subject."]

I don't know what the F*CK that means... "like people study political science, culture, public health... NOW we will study India as a subject". HUH? What are you talking about dumbass?

Do you mean - The history of India? or Indian Philosophy? Religion in India? Economic Progess in India? (mind you, these are the broadest friggin' topics on the planet). 'INDIA' is an EVEN broader subject. So wait... there will be India 101- will you start with British India? or no wait, divided India before that. Perhaps when Ashoka conquered most of it? - when India was unified for the first time?... when the concept of "India" came about? But no no no wait... (and thats the point - we can go back and forth all day)

Whats more is - can one graduate with a B.S. in India? What about a PhD? Like an economist or an anthropologist... will one be an 'Indianist'... or like a historian - 'Indianorian'

Bravo! "We want to make people more aware of India". Newsflash genius - EVERYONE already knows about India.... only A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N-S don't know about India. Which is why perhaps you should have a course called - "The World"... not "India". Moron.

Lets analyze "more people aware of India" - hmm... Indians certainly know about India so thats 1/6th of the population of the world. Chineese definitely know about it... we're next to them, which means another 1/6. We're already at 1/3rd of the Planet being "aware" of India (thats 33.33%). Since Indians live all over Africa and Europe (we spilled over, yes.) and mind you, I have met enough Indians from Ghana, Ethiopia, South Africa, England, Germany etc. I've met enough indigenious people from those places as well - and they know India... f*ck.. they know bloody Amitabh Bachhan and Shah Rukh Khan for godsake! They know songs from the 50's. They know our wedding customs - they know a lot. And lets not forget the Indian presence in the Middle East. All-in-all you're looking at hmm... 90% of the planet being VERY aware of India. The remaining is the pacific islanders, you know - Gilligan's of the world... and lastly... America.

Like I said before - perhaps you should call your course "The World" and not "India".

Dumbass.

June 3rd, 2006

Who has Pearl Jam tickets for June 3rd, 2006?

this guy.......

thats right!

.......this guy

(sporadic dancing ensues)

back to the beginning...

It is a known fact that when you curl up in your bed it is referred to as the "fetal position". We (humans) are most comfortable in this position even when we're fifty. There is a surreal connection to the 9 months we spend in our mothers' wombs for the rest of our lives.

There is a similar connection today (for le males only) - that I want to familiarize my readers with. Try this after showering today. After you have dried yourself off and conducted your morning ritual of creams, gels, toothpaste, make-up ...whatever... apply Johnson & Johnson's Baby Powder to your balls. Make sure you get to the inner thighs as well. You will find an immense satisfaction which will surge through to your mouth and you might catch yourself smiling. Thats right gents - powder your balls - it feels damn good and it lasts all day!

The connection here - is that most mommies powder their babies when they were well... babies. Now you can thrown back into time with this amazing 2 second addition of a ritual to your morning routine!

Now I understand that not everyone may have been powdered when they were young and some can't afford the baby powder today. If you leave a comment for me with your address I'll send you a free mini-baby powder! And if its truly your first time, I'll throw in some kitty litter and extra-terrestrial porn. Yeah... don't act like you don't want to see how E.T. do...

Disclaimer: I understand that there are some very intense people surfing the net these days. The above offer is not a serious offer. Please do not post your addresses in hope of E.T. porn. I don't doubt that you believe there to be extra-terrestrials out there and that you were abducted by them. I trust you. Please don't message or comment though. Oh, and stop grinding your teeth and take your hand out of your pants you sick bastard!

antichrist...

I watched a show on the History Channel recently. T'was an on-going discussion about the concept of the AntiChrist. For those of you unfamilar with this term -simply put, a Christian manifestation from the New Testament of a soul (figure) who will lead mankind on its road to perdition. He (or she for my "equality for all" readers) will be treacherous to its fullest extent and trick humankind into believing he/she is the bringer of peace and unity while secretly plotting its demise. The "anti" Christ - as the name suggests may be taken literally. He/She is famed to have impeccable oratory skills with which he/she will woo crowds into following him/her on his.her path of unfathomable evil (unknowingly of course).

The show brought on famed historians with low brows (no doubt burdened by several degrees and accolades) who spoke of how historically, man has twisted and applied the term "Antichrist" to justify murder. For instance, Pilgrims referred to the Native American's as worshippers of the Antichrist. It aided them in wiping out an entire culture. Similarly, and in later years, Hitler was referred to as the Antichrist -mostly for his oratory skills and his knack for killing Jews (Christ's original people). Chengiz Khan - antichrist. So on and so forth.

Several margheritas down a few nights ago it struck me that these deeply religious and influenced people missed a prominent figure altogether. Christ himself! What better way for the famed son of Lucifer/Satan/The f*kin' Devil, to trick people than to pretend to be the son of God -a fake prophet if you will.

Before I continue, a disclaimer: I encourage individuals of all faiths to read on. These theories are merely logical theories (however irrational you may think them to be), they are explicitly mine and are a concoction of my devious mind. If you do not feel like you are ready for a good argument -I can suggest some wonderful light reading - "Tuesdays with Morrie" -an insightful and inspirational book that will revitalize your belief in man's innate ability to be good and more importantly do good. I wiped my ass-crack with it, shredded it and scattered its shit-stained portions across the East River.

Lets see the facts (mythological facts obviously). God creates angels. God loves angels. Lucifer is numero uno angel. God creates man - gives man a soul and a conscience. God loves man more than the angels. Lucifer is pissed off (understandably so) fights for his parents admiration -loses (of course... I mean you're fighting God - what did you expect?). Subsequently the First Angel becomes the First Fallen angel and the ruler of Hell. Who is the bane of his existence? Answer: Mankind. What better way to strike back at God? - Abolish mankind. Best way to twist the knife? Answer: Don't kill man yourself - make man kill himself.

Theory: Manifest yourself as the First Prophet for one religion but really the second or third for another religion (Christ) = cause a rift worth fighting for. Make sure you leave with a severe political statement of martyrdom. Manifest yourself on a recurring basis as prominent prophets or Gods for different faiths. As Man continues to gnaw on apples from the tree of knowledge - start manifesting yourself as trivial figures.

Take Gandhi for example. The dude was peaceful and spread the word of unity across the globe. But clearly died causing a rift between Hindus and Muslims. Pakistan vs. India. Simple and straightforward isn't it?

But the killer (as I've already mentioned) the spike through the heart - manifest yourself as the opposite of what you are defined as - CHRIST! Think of the number of wars and crimes carried out in the name of Christianity (whether it was people escaping the Church - i.e. the Pilgrims to the U.S. or those driving the Church's teachings -i.e. Crusades). Ultimately the extreme belief (note: "extreme" belief) in any religion coupled with man's innate hunger for power and glory - will inevitably lead to destruction.

Now I'm sure the more devout individual may read this and proclaim that I will be going to hell. Well if its all topsy-turvy and this theory of mine is right - then by NOT being tricked by Satan's offspring and NOT following Gandhi and Christ - don't I go to Heaven?

I know this theory is flawed. Not because I can quantify and identify the flaws but because I'm too fried to think more on it. However, it is this cyclical logic with in-built flaws that spur reactions, conversations, discussions and arguments - the ultimate goal being cheap thrills. And in the meanwhile if I piss off a few very devout individuals with this blasphemous blog... bonus points!

stupid ruffles...

I spent fifteen minutes this morning searching for my cell phone. It was hidden amongst the millions of ruffles in my hotel bed. Irony strikes hardest in these moments. My phone, my memories, my dreams are incased in these ruffles. They are insulated and kept safe for me to return to every night. Entombed in their grave I lay down every night and wrap myself very tightly in them. They are birthed, nurtured and laid down to rest here. These are the probably... not-so-quirky things that bother me. Quite gay to be honest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

PJ TOURS!

Go figure that the year that Arun is leaving this is happening. Its so fitting. We're only living - a day we'll soon forget.

After waiting for years on end - it comes to pass that Pearl Jam will tour the Eastern Seaboard (and Canada)... but who cares about Canada. As the wiley Robin Williams put it "Canada is like a loft apartment above a great party". Kinda like what Srilanka is to India I suppose... except that Lanka is below India (the toilet?... ooh! the drain-pipe under the toilet).

Anyway - back to Pearl Jam. So Vedder and his crew will be hitting Hartford, CT and New York in May and June respectively. If Arun were going to be around - no doubt we would've gone for both concerts AND probably the one in Albany too. Being that he is leaving forever - I will settle for Mohla.

Now don't get me wrong - Mohla is a PJ fan like any other - a great one - with vast Rock knowledge. In fact, probably more rock "general" knowledge than myself. But AD and my association to PJ is different. We're not the - "we kiss the ground you walk on vedder" type fans - no... We have a deep and very personal appreciation for Vedder's lyrical style, content and remarkable sound. This band comes from a time when lyrics meant something. They were a form of prose, fluid poetry -that spoke of something important - that spoke and breathed air into our very lungs. They spoke of more than just pimping girls and shooting up the neighborhood - or...(sigh)... fighting with cheerleaders (the ever so popular Gwen Estefani song "Holla Back Girl"). It is unfortunate that current music is termed "pop music" and as a genre -people have begun to back-date this terminology. Suddenly, someone referred to Pearl Jam as a "Pop Band" from the 90's. I wanted to smack his face into a new arrangement so his ears would bleed snot.

Allow me to provide examples of lines/verses that have carved out my very soul:

1. "And then my bitter hands, cradled broken glass - of what was everything" - Song: Black
2. "Jeremy spoke in... class today" - Song: Jeremy
3. "Ohhhh I... ooooOO I'm still Alive" - Song: Alive
4. "I'll wait up... in the dark... for you to speak to me" - Song: Release
5. "Counts his money every morning, the only thing that keeps him horny" - Song: Soon Forget
6. "I will hold the candle, till it burns up my arm - oh I'll keep taking punches, until their will grows tired" - Song: Indifference.
7. "I'm trading stories with the leaves" - Song: In my Tree
8. "She dreams in color she dreams in red. Can't find a better man" - Song: Betterman
9. "I'd rather be... I'd rather be... I'd rather be with an... a-n-i-m-a-l." - Song: Animal
10. "I don't wanna take what you can't give. I would rather starve than eat your bread." - Song: Corduroy

... and I've missed so many.

The emancipation of 2006 will be determined by my attending this event. I can't wait. I'm sure Mohla can't either. I will send Arun pictures.

our last meet - in the present tense...

With the advent of arun leaving, I feel almost compelled to write again. The absence of a prominent confidant, well, my only confidant, will be extremely trying and this white screen will have to bear (unfortunately) the burden of my words. I've always been great at advice -giving it that is. I have never been able to apply it to myself -enter Arun. It is not possible to fathom, to comprehend with reason or any logical rationale, how much this will change things. There are two certainties here. One, this will change things. Second, its not necessarily for the best. I say this with complete and overwhelming selfishness - because for Arun, this is the right decision and the correct route. I am not alone, yet stranded. I am not alone, yet - with cliche'd inevitability - I will be lonely. It will take an extreme obsession with my work to overcome this... an extreme obsession with myself. Following this blog, which seems to read more like a diary, I hope to capture events of lesser importance that will one day lead to the most important one. And this day will have nothing to do with my family, or Arun, or Sonia, or Sukhi, or Tiru, or Priyanka, or anyone of importance to me. It will be mine.

I will end this ode to 'Inspiration' with more cliche'd but appropriate words. The lows define the highs and vice versa. There is no tomorrow without yesterday. There is no arrival without departure. The only question that remains is... - when will I arrive?