Hope

I have been faced with an opportunity to take a risk over the last several days.

And here I stand, poised, with my first real decision. And when I look back at all my decisions in the past, I realize how well protected I have been from all potential negative consequences. I have always had family to rely on, great advice to lean on and a future to look forward to. And now I stand at a path forking into two.

One path bears the overwhelmingly standardized "you know where this road will take you" welcome sign at its doorstep, while the other says "Who knows? Could be awesome." The decision is mine to take, and the consequences mine to bear.

At 24 years of age, I can no longer rely on someone else's presumed benefit to myself. I have to know it. The best advice I've gotten so far said, "this is it Aman - this is where you realize that whatever whoever says is based on their interpretation of a situation and their presumed understanding of where it will take you, and thats not necessarily right for you."

True.

I knew that already, just needed to hear it from someone else. I'm not helpless - I just have to help myself. My mom's voice echoes in my head as I write that: "God only helps those who help themselves". God. Fate. Destiny. Blame yourself for all that went wrong and praise him for all that is right. Of course, and again, right or wrong - subjective isn't it? Of course it is.

If dreams were like clouds -forseeable, distant, seemingly predictable, tangible yet not graspable -then I am one of those who look forward to soaking themselves in the rain they'll hopefully bring after a long, tiresome drought.

And there it is... hope.

reserved...

Reservations in Inda.

As the cabinet passed the Quota bill, it moves now the Lok Sabha. It will provide 27% reservation seats for backward classes in state funded institutions like IIT and IIM. Apparently, its been a cake-walk for students from "affluent" backgrounds to get into these colleges.

Where is the forum for discussion on this matter? I can't understand this process. How are we truly democratic if decisions like this are just... 'made'.

Someone once defined a 'perfect' democracy as a nation where all the lobby groups have equal finances and push/pull with the governing body. I see the governing body. But where are the lobby groups? Is the only way to speak to the government through news agencies now? Filtered for ratings? Are they the people's voice of sorts? What really happens here? Medical Students - kids no older than 30 years of age being hosed down on the streets because they want to march up to the Supreme court? What is going on? Do we no longer have the right to protest? To voice our opinion? What is this surreal world I'm living in? -in which it seems even the perception of freedom is trampled upon. Are these protests not enough for the government to re-consider its proposed actions?

I am against the concept of Reservations. This is in line with my views on Affirmative Action in the U.S. as well. I admit, that 'casteism' has held back the "backward classes" and they have not had the opportunities to rise above the past (and present - depending on where you live). But this is backing into a solution rather than tackling it at the roots.

In past posts I have spoken of a cohesive India and this is far from that India. The only thing that has ever brought this country's citizens together is War. Patriotism, if you will. It is rather unfortunate I think.

Amongst us there is a dissention - Casteism, sexism, class-ism, religious sect-ism... and a trillion other 'isms'. Our hope... my hope... rested with the younger generations and their ability to, intelligently, decipher these politically-driven lines drawn in the past and rub them out with time. But then our government, for what seem more like political reasons than anything else, is now drawing a new line. Split down the middle amongst the younger generations - the youth that is meant to lead this nation and carry it into its new era. They're solving the problem by implementing the problem. Not following? How can you think you are creating 'equality' - by FURTHER categorizing and classifying society at YET another level? This rationale is not even arguably logical. It is simply illogical. Period.

Reservations and Affirmative action - a quick way to get the minority vote, as far as I'm concerned. Fact is, you cannot solve a problem by creating another problem -thats hardly a solution. Worried about education? - Good! You should be. We all should be. Stop spending $2 billion on a Bomber Plane and use it to build schools and MORE institutions like IIT and IIM. Use this money for salaries to attract esteemed Professors and provide the right facilities for everyone. Give grants for Research. YES! It WILL fucking take time. But it WILL work. This country did not achieve the headlines in newspapers and whispers in international corridors over night. It took bloody 60 odd years! Sure, a considerable amount of that time was well spent on getting out of Nehru syndrome (a.k.a progress). And this change too will take time.

I can't remember who, but someone in the recent past said something along the lines of - "India has achieved great success over the past few years. It has come to be recognized internationally for its intellectual prowess, strength and contributions all around the world. But it has done all this not with the help of the government -rather, in spite of it."

I couldn't agree more.

What goes around, comes around...

1, 2, 3 - 4

1... 2... 3... 4

What are the rammifications of every action? As a veteran sleuth on his way to find a way... his way.

Late last night, twisted amongst cream sheets and underneath a blank ceiling, I thought of the south side of the town and the wrong side of the tracks. My arms flew from my side. Crazy. Does this make me crazy? Probably.

I bought a bottle of water from the corner store and walked amidst the lights. I looked up and the window shades were drawn. I hesitate - I've done harm to her. Have I? Logic says no. I can't wash it off. Its not a feeling I can share. The backseat of a car in a dark alley - the clay, now moulded into something... distorted. Something unimagineably grotesque. In those ephemeral moments of a disillusioned, glorious conquest, I melted away. It should have been someone else's glory.

Careful, this is not a story of love. Perhaps blinding lust, but not love. I can ask for forgiveness but in truth I'm only really asking myself. To her it is ubiquitous indifference. And it probably shouldn't be. She succumbed to me once and she will succumb again - somewhere else, someone else. To THAT, I am indifferent as well.

Now, I can spend my time alone, redigesting past regrets. oh!

or

I can come to terms and realize I'm the only one - who cannot forgive myself - oh!

And its really the thought of "what goes around, comes around."

Fear grips my heart and squeezes the very life out of it. Fear of god? Fear of some moral standard I have. A good consceince, consistently defied by my actions perhaps. And I always find that mocking conscience knocking for ages after... I dare call it guilt.

I couldn't breathe.

A frown and another sleepless night.

TAG!

I have been tagged by swami. This post is against my will.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

Anyway - read on for useless information.

_________________
I am thinking about... Sex. Thats pretty much standard.

I said... umm... nothing. I didn't say anything dammit! ... weirdo

I am... Colorblind. Coffee Black and Egg White. Pull me out from inside.

I want to... Smoke.

I wish... I was doing ANYTHING else right now.

I love... Words and Wisdom. Honesty and Loyalty. Bright eyes and music. Poetry and lakeside. Running and sleeping.

I cry... not really no. This is not a "I'm a big macho man"-type thing. I just... umm... don't cry anymore. Last time I cried was Dec. 2003/Jan. 2004 period. No - you don't get to hear about it.

I hear... umm... like normal people do (?) I don't understand the "I hear" sub-section of this already retarded questionairre-wanna-be thing.

I wonder... how many stupid "I ____" there will be!? grrrr...

I regret... spending money at Tiffany's. (sigh)... I shall never shop there again!

I confuse... my dog all the time.

I dance...to... errr... music (?)

I sing... constantly.

I am not always... an asshole. SOMETIMES.... i'm also a dick. (figure that one out).

I write... about what moves me. Well... usually. Until I get "tagged" and have to fill out a form obviously prepared by a 4 year old trapped in the body of struggling 14 yr. old girl - who can't make heads or tails of her emotive directives and reads Cosmo-fuckin'-politan for advice. Next thing you know she's bangin' the pool-cleaner's 12 yr. old mexican son, who recently contracted rabies from screwin' the neighbors pooch the night before. And as he hits up his dad's boss's daughter, while rockin' to some AC/DC, he gives her the ruddy disease. So frothing and bow-legged and obviously ticked off, her evil genious shines as she creates a stupid questionairre and begins tagging helpless bloggers who have the fear of god in them lest they pass this on to 3 people. Its not long before this tag gets to her dad. And who knows? maybe he's a valiant blogger himself and gets fired from work for taking 2 hours to fill out this bullshit thing. He comes home and has to fire the pool cleaner cuz he can't pay him anymore. The Pool cleaner, now short on cash, sells his son to a 50-year old man in the South of Florida -who makes tender love to him into the wee-early hours of the morning, while a miscontent 14-yr. old girl sleeps soundly in her bed.

I need... help.
_____________________

I am tagging (which is like inviting a "beat-down") - Arun, Ruchika... and Anahat.

Babylon

4:48 pm - Washington, D.C. I'm still trying to comprehend the weirdest goddam dreams of flying gangsters in Harlem to battling Lions in Bhopal... (yeah... I don't know).

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world - Pesticides in coke and pepsi in India? (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4776623.stm)

What are pesticides doing in bloody soft drinks? Why did the Parliament "recommend" purity standards in 2003? Since when does the Parliament uphold a report and "recommend" something that isn't immediately carried out. What... who? (sigh)... why bother. I'm done.

Lets look back -

Friday night - a fundraiser event for the Bombay blast victims. Met someone I'd rather not have. Looking back through time I know it's clear that I've been blind. I've been a fool to ever open up to all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule.

Moving on . . .

Saturday night - I was crushed and levelled by a smile... to the point of absolute and irrepairable paralysis, which was closely followed by a very unfamiliar panic. Amidst this wave of (ahem) new emotions - I let all the opportunities slip past. I was 12 years old again. Experience, confidence, game... all went out the window. I was deserted by what I thought defined me, and stood helplessly as invitations on silver platters for golden opportunities flew at me. I even ignored Tiru's nudges and "dude... GO!... she's looking right at you man!" followed by "DUDE!... she just did it again! go talk to her man!". So much wasted, as this moment kept slipping away. I would rather wonder about what could've been, than regret fuckin' it up.

Sunday couldn't come any sooner. In preparation for the much awaited annual Penn State golf weekend, I headed to Randall's island to hit some balls, take some practice swings. It was one of the most gorgeous days New York has seen all year and as we drove up I noticed a crowd of people filing in for some sort of event in the Stadium next to the golf range. I watched them through the looking glass and moved on.

116 balls, my golf bag and I proceeded toward the range. I was swinging well, considering I haven't played all season. I had moved from my pitching wedge to my 9 iron, then to the 7 and was setting up for a couple of swings with my 5 when it hit me. Music?. "Oh! I guess there's some random concert going on on next door - damn! I really wanted to concentrate on my Golf.. goddamm music!"

...but wait.

What's this? - I recognize it - I know its sweet soothing sound!! Babylon II!? DAVID GRAY!? Performing right next to me!? Damn!

"Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now"

With a turn and a jig I was at my bag searching for the Big Dog.

Ball's on the T.

I set...

*SMACK!*

a slowly rising white ball travelling absolutely straight and covering vast distances all the while climbing toward a beautiful blue sky. 300 yards - could've been. Might as well have been.

I'm smiling.