Almost two weeks into my new job and sparkling new title, its finally set in. Fear that is. Having realized that upto the moment of action, all the pre-cum glory and praise is worthless if I'm unable to perform. I'm the young blood in the team, I'm supposed to become the "go-to" guy. Yes - sounded amazing till I am in it... now. Expectations are high, learning curve is steep and I've just accomplished defining a challenge. Isn't that what it is in the end? - a challenge?
The work is interesting, I'm getting to do things I'd never imagined I'd be granted an opportunity to do - and its interesting (thank god!). But I can also already see that its temporary. I know that the end is the last thing I should look to when starting something new but darn it - it can't be good if I can already envision this being a 2-3 (maybe 4) year stint. But enough about the job.
I'm back in New York - and how phenomenally grand it is to be here again. As the winter is setting in and I'm having to pause constantly while typing to wipe my streaming nose, I can't help but think of this city and how it never ceases to amaze me. I'm back into things I hadn't been in for a while.
The Subway
I ride the train to work every morning and how I've missed it! There's the young Burberry woman riding from Lex to 5th on the E train. She never fails to catch herself in the windows when the train is not parked at a station off-loading and boarding. There's the young kid who will never learn to hold the bloody bar and is always jolted back 4 feet, stumbling into his angry mother's arms. The crackling P.A. system - who knows what the driver just said- he could've said Timbuktu for all we know. I'm on a train destined for... Queens? what the hell!? shit.. i got on the wrong train... and now the 30 minute exercise to get out of Queens (sigh).
(don't act like its never happened to you).
Walking
Thats right! I'm walking again, well - from home to the train station and then to work. It's best described as painful. Here's why: You walk briskly in New York, through the cold and descend finally into the subway station. New York subways are notorious for their hell-like sweltering warmth, deep beneath the surface. So when you're in your suit and your shirt inside is drenched with every last drop of water that was once in you, here comes your train - Air Conditioning! Yes! You're on the train and its cooler - slightly. It takes time for the relief to hit and then it comes again - your stop. You exit into another oven, curse upwards and walk on, up the stairs and back out into... you guessed it... the cold again. Your body just went round-trip from Antartica to the Equator and back again and all you ended up with is sweat patches and a cold the next morning. *sniffle*
Life
Its been a while since I blogged, mostly because of the several projects I've taken up. The new job of course, is numero uno, but there's also my recent visit to Strands where I purchased (for $32.00) a hardbound old edition of Les Miserables. And it sits now, accompanie d with a Dictionary waiting for my return every evening. Painful bloody project. Then there's the shopping I've had to do for the new work environment - which by the way is NOTHING like my past experience. Its not that I didn't expect it, I just noticed it... err... severely. I've never seen my boss get yelled at till my first week in this new job - nobody cares - wipe your tears you fucking pussy and put your head to the grind stone. Awh... you got married? Thats nice.. get to work! Awh... you got shot in the arm? Fuck you - type with the other one!
And amidst all this there is the need to build a new social circle. With Tiru moving to Rhode Island, and Sukhi being the only one left, I have to build something again. Its not easy when you're not a Freshman in college where everybody is out looking for a bud. Thats a funny statement because I spent a considerable amount of my freshman year "looking" for bud and a considerable amount of my senior year "selling" it... hahaha... ok ok - i digress.
There is also the unfortunate realizeation that this new job will keep me in New York longer than I wanted... but deep down I knew this was going to happen. I will be here for at least another 2 years. As my folks are seriously considering moving back to India next year - this means I might have to dilute my investment in the apartment and look for a place for myself...
I'm here in New York, moving up the monetary ladder getting the first few glimpses of the catch phrase "...in new york, there's always someone who makes more, fucks more and will live longer than you".
I just bought a Hugo Boss suit. I'm not trying to brag but I have to tell you, to be able to walk into the store... look around, try a Boss suit, like it and buy it without thinking three times was a great feeling. Its mine - I did that. I paid for it with my first check. I don't give a shit about "Boss" ...mostly because it doesn't give a shit about me - but I feel like I have accomplished something. (Ready? - here it comes).
Screw the suits, the watches, the money, the apartments... those aren't accomplishments. But I've accomplished something... (?)
And that inspires me. Look beyond the superficial statement above. It inspires me that I can feel like I have already accomplished something... because god! there is so much more to do and so much more to fucking life... and with the highest level of sincerety, I look forward to blissfully exploring what that "more" is... and its inspiring and its something to look forward to...
- cuz in the end I'm just a fuckin' kid who doesn't know shit.
(I can see my Father nodding in agreement from miles away).
PIC: The REAL Me...
15 comments:
What inspired you? The job? Back in the city? Did you feel your earlier job (assuming you had one) was not as worthwhile or inspiring?
Nail on the head. In so much as we're all 24 goin' on 25 - its blood hard (especially for me) to intrinsically like someone enough to be good friends and exchange more than the simplistic and hackneyed pleasantries. I can't do it - i'm frank and honest to your face - most can't handle that sort of un-gentleman-like conduct... but then occassionally there's that one odd person who dishes it back and it is there that I find a momentary delight.
2 things to say tonite:
1. Totally agree that life has so much fucking more to it! and so much more to DO... then why the heck am I so fucking bored (these days)?.. looong question and one I probably know the answer to but am not willing to accept it!
2. After the first thought, I read the quote of the day on your blog (for today - Friday).. "Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on".. on awesome! answer to my first question!
Oh and wait, I have one more thing to say (ask):
The REAL you - is hazy, unclear, thinner...?! :-)
we - i lost weight.
but i'm gaining it back - been consistently sick for the last 2 months - i.e. no running... sniff sniff... i miss running.
VK - i don't think you understood the post. The job itself is uninspiring. The immortal confusion between meants-to-an-end and the end itself. There is more to life than a job and the money it brings. But its hard not to get lost in working and earning. Then you buy these "nice" things - so you think you are achieving your self-defined "end" in some way or another. The problem is that with the limited time you have to achieve that "end" given that your constantly entrenched in the "means" - you unintentionally fulfill someone else's "end" and pretend its what you always wanted.
but what do i know - i'm just a kid who doesn't know shit :-)
I thought you just mentioned on someone else's post that there isn't any goal to life.. no end, no aim! Or maybe the context was different...
(In response to you reply to VK)..
I think you lost me at the "someone else's end" bit. I believe, and this disagrees with you, that its habitual (you don't, per se, deny that it's not - stay with me). You begin to identify your worth through your job. It's dangerous. Your self-esteem is so tied to "where you work" & "what you do." You tell yourself and the world that you're doing it for your wife & kids & family, but its a farce. You're doing it for yourself. There is "always" a "level of lifestyle" to support. That's the cloak. You tell yourself that you're going to bust your behind through the "early" years - well the early years then turn into later years. You're not constantly engulfed in the "means" that you mentioned for "someone else" in fact, you may provide them whatever benefits it brings - you still are doing it selfishly, for yourself.
No balance is pitiful. And those who suffer from this identity syndrome of "my job defines who I am" (which is equivalent to a feudalistic mind-set of 'I am what I do') usually also suffer from imbalance.
Btw - anyone ever ask Mrs LN Mittal how her life has been? Do you think her husband taking on average 18 flights a month makes her happy? Do you think her life *REALLY* changed much from being worth 80 crore to 150 crore? And extrapolated a few years down, do you think she really gives a shit about the extra 5000 crore when her husband is worth 20,000crore. After some point, its about "yourself". You can make whatever excuses about "providing" you want. Your self-worth is defined by the size of your bank balance, the value of your stock, your position in the fortune list - ALL of it, to convince yourself and the world that you really have a large penis.
"Things" are just trimmings...
You are right, there is more to life than the things... but until you find the time to do the "more" you will always be stuck in the rut and continue defining yourself & your life with the things you accumulate.
About the knowing you want out before its even started.. u already have my "fortune cookie" opinion.
PS: There is nothing wrong in looking good while you are stuck in the rut :)
VK - firstly, do i know you?
Secondly, the point I'm driving at is simple. For a mediocre achievement (which in itself is subjective given the source defining "achievement") - everything is constantly relative. How much of what you (figuratively speaking) buy is something YOU want? Is your purchase gratifying you because it is appealing to someone else - or are you truly in it... for it?
Ms. LN Mittal - interesting that you bring that up, because ask the poor wife of a harijan in some rural part of india, who yes, has her husband to hold each night but doesn't have enough food to feed her kids, whether she'd trade lives with Ms. LN Mittal - who has every luxury one can imagine... but is missing the poetic companionship of her husband. Its all well to say - love and company are what should be treasured most, but as it goes - the grass is greener on the other side. Ms. Mittal doesn't miss money because she has it - and presumably misses her husband because he's never around.
I'll start reading Les Miserables with you!!! It's been on my shelf for almost a year now...let me know when you start :)
started already :-)
wah, pappu is on his way to passing. and raju is becoming.
where are you working now?
Citigroup.
Yes, you know me.
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