I return myself...

What is it with this bloody season?

If one more person says to me "be nice its Christmas..." - i'm going to head-butt them. And I don't mean like Zidane - into the chest. My forehead will crash into their nose. I live by the code that while a person... can be smart - people are dumb. This is just a fact of life. Riled up a crowed will do anything while a single person may have moral objections or otherwise. That doesn't speak very well of our species' average.

Now I don't profess to be an aberration, or an exception to the norm - but when is it going to strike everyone that a retail holiday is exactly that. "Here, take the day off to go buy some presents for everyone else (using the money that you slave for us for). Feel good about yourself and treat others with respect in this joyous time of Christmas."

Some blonde-haired, blue-eyed 12 yr. old sighs complacently as the first snowfall of December makes her think of Christmas-y goodness. 'Tis the season to be jolly. The rest of the year though - yeah - you can be a dick. As long as that "Season's Greetings and Best Wishes!!" card goes out every december, you've absolved yourself of the 11 months of bitchin' you did behind their back. Everyone bitches - so don't act like you don't. But MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Lets look at another. Valentine's day. (sigh) A day to fully express your love for the one you.. errr ... love. So buy some flowers, cards and candy and get laid. Buy your way into people's hearts - and its masterful in its construction isn't it? It starts with the primary intention of getting laid. If you're 25 or younger - don't even f-in lie to me - you know what you do and why you do it. There are 365 bloody days in the year to "love your lover", yet this is the ONE day that you must pay your dues??? This is the day you must find something romantic to do. Why?

Mother's day, father's day... it goes on and on. Since I can't change it, I'm going to join it. My 5 contributions/suggestions are below:

1. Hash Bash (April 20th) - Street food vendors roll up onto a particular street (its your neighbor hood - pick one!) mid-day. Meanwhile, everyone has spent the day hooking up all sorts of bammy in J's, bowls, bongs, blunts, spliffs, chilliums. 4:20 pm, the bell rings and food is served! Roll onto that street and comfort your munchies with some great food.

2. Choot Day (June 5th) - Multiple interpretations depending on where you live. For some, a joyous occassion to beat the shit out of those that you consider choots. In other parts of the world, a day to frolick and mate with whomever you choose. 'Consent' becomes a perspective on this day.

3. Maha-Choot Day (August 1st) - AK 47's with scopes issued for one day only. Sign up today!

4. Wet Day (October 1st) - Stock up on liqour at ridiculously discounted and tax free prices - and get wasted off your ass. You can't get served alcohol the next day - so you might as well be too fuggin' hungover to remember it!

5. Asshole Day (December 15th): Feel free to walk around 10 days before Christmas and tell people what you really think.

For instance - "Hey man, can I talk to you for a second?. Look... I know you've got a gimpy face. I know you 'twitch' every time you smile, and yes... I know its an involuntary physical disorder that you were born with... i DO understand that...

but seriously... if you smile one more time while talking to me... I'm going to kick your balls so hard, they're going to pop out your mouth."

Doesn't really matter cuz in 10 days, he'll be on an operating table with forceps in his mouth, reading a greeting card from you - "Best Wishes for the coming year... - lots of love, hugs, kisses and ice - Aye Dav."