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What are the rammifications of every action? As a veteran sleuth on his way to find a way... his way.
Late last night, twisted amongst cream sheets and underneath a blank ceiling, I thought of the south side of the town and the wrong side of the tracks. My arms flew from my side. Crazy. Does this make me crazy? Probably.
I bought a bottle of water from the corner store and walked amidst the lights. I looked up and the window shades were drawn. I hesitate - I've done harm to her. Have I? Logic says no. I can't wash it off. Its not a feeling I can share. The backseat of a car in a dark alley - the clay, now moulded into something... distorted. Something unimagineably grotesque. In those ephemeral moments of a disillusioned, glorious conquest, I melted away. It should have been someone else's glory.
Careful, this is not a story of love. Perhaps blinding lust, but not love. I can ask for forgiveness but in truth I'm only really asking myself. To her it is ubiquitous indifference. And it probably shouldn't be. She succumbed to me once and she will succumb again - somewhere else, someone else. To THAT, I am indifferent as well.
Now, I can spend my time alone, redigesting past regrets. oh!
or
I can come to terms and realize I'm the only one - who cannot forgive myself - oh!
And its really the thought of "what goes around, comes around."
Fear grips my heart and squeezes the very life out of it. Fear of god? Fear of some moral standard I have. A good consceince, consistently defied by my actions perhaps. And I always find that mocking conscience knocking for ages after... I dare call it guilt.
I couldn't breathe.
A frown and another sleepless night.
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7 comments:
...in thin air.
It shall come around, you just won't know what to attribute it to.
i hate you. i think you should die dhar.
Sometimes you know when u've had it in for yourself, and then you do recognise when something's "come around" (as it always does).. I find myself getting a smug look on my face, a smile maybe, realising why its happening to me... when I know why and I can't do anything to change the past, and therefore the present.. all I can do is shrug it off.. or can I?
Easier said than done right?
What's more is the "crime"? What makes one feel guilty?
Yes, if I stole candy from a baby and tomorrow some 80 yr. dude did the same to me - by all means its better to shrug it off then knock him out.
Do unto others how you want done to yourself is the saying right? Stupid f-in adages.
(sour)
Happens to the best of us. Don't beat yourself up for it. Hell, on the other hand, if in the first place you did beat yourself, this wouldn't have happened!
But seriously, I suppose there's something substantial you can take from this... depends on how much you want to.
There is an easy justification for all the supposed 'wrongs' you do. When you do 'right' - you'll know it and it'll feel good.
Its all about perspective.
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